The Emperor admits to a certain campy fondness for porn that takes itself a little too seriously. In the case of "Tease Me!" (1989), the framing motif (having something to do with how image-making is a tease) is so tenuous that it makes no sense at all. However, our narrator, Rex Severen (is that a distant relative of Doc Severinsen?) is actually fairly competent. Too bad his lines are so ridiculous. (Not to mention his Flock of Seagulls hairdo.) So we'll pay no further mind to his intros to each scene.
How a three-way on a bed -- where the rough-hewn frame is equipped with chains -- relates to teasing is far beyond the Emperor's comprehension. Particularly since the participants just jump right in with no preparation. Little brunet twink Danny Bliss is the object of affection of Michael Vincent and Chad James. Michael sports a bleached-blond mullet that looks like a sculpture made out of cornsilk. Chad is hairy and dark-haired with a wiry body, in contrast to Michael's more muscular and tanned physique. But Danny does all the sucking as the two tops support themselves on the sturdy wooden bedframe and proceed to fuck him in turn. Poor Chad never gets to cum -- we suppose that could be the tease.
Smirking porn late-1980s mainstay Tim Lowe makes pony-tailed, average-looking Joey Pirelli say please to gain access to his crotch. That's about as far as the teasing goes. Tim is a trade-y top here, although he does deign to give Joey's dick a fairly extended sucking. The oral goes on for quite a while before Tim puts Joey's legs over his shoulders and fucks him in a sleekly modern L.A. living room. We'll say this for Tim: he has a fat dick and he can keep it hard. Good thing, because the fucking goes on quite a while with no change of position until Tim cums, but Joey is left unsatisfied. That is just SO like a trade-y top!
There's not much teasing involved with Eric DeGiorgio and Geoffrey Spears jacking off together in a darkened living room watching TV. Geoffrey initially resists Eric's attempts to grab his dick, but before he knows it, Eric's not only pulling his friend's pud, but sucking it too. Both boys have thick hard dicks, and while Eric is a little skinnier, his dick is slightly longer. Geoffrey finds this out firsthand as he overcomes his initial reluctance and deep-throats it. After swapping blowjobs, it's the more boyish Eric who tops the darker-looking Geoffrey. After a good pounding doggy on a brown leather couch, both shoot decent loads.
Marc Radcliff's endless, monotonous blabbering by the pool leads Tim and the stunningly cute David Rockmore to retreat to an upstairs bedroom for sex. David looks like the "cutest boy in school" type with his short hair and tight body. He does a good job sucking Tim's thick one before they 69. Ooops! Marc shows up. He's about 98 pounds dripping wet, except for his long, poofy hair. He looks like a cross between a Q-tip and a Pekingese. But after some more group sucking, we get to see Tim pounding hot little David, who is sucking skinny Marc. Tim and Marc trade places, and then shoot big loads. David jacks off to his own convulsive climax.
On a black leather bed (where does one buy something like that?) slender Eric and his big curved dick are back, now paired with the very Italian-looking Nick Gionini, who sports a nice sized salami of his own. We have the only rimming of the movie here, with Nick eating Eric's ass, and then Eric tops him doggy. Eric shoots a huge load on Nick's back, thoughtfully missing the expensive leather. Nick is less tidy, spraying semen all over it. Quick, call housekeeping!
"Tease Me!" is competently made, if not particularly memorable. The guys are all young and mostly attractive, and generally have all their natural body hair. There's not a lot of variety in the sex, but the performers do throw themselves into their work for the most part.
DVD features: Chapter; trailers ("Heaven too Soon," "Size Talks," "Bare Tales" and "Raising Hell"); and no regional coding (playable worldwide).
A DVD Review by The Porn Emperor