What's that old Texan joke about steers and queers? Who can say? Though this feature is without livestock, it is brimming over with hot snapper action that would do even a Texan proud. Of course, the award-winning Michael Brandon ( GayVN 's 2002 Performer of the Year) never misses an opportunity to show off those delightful assets of his, doing so exuberantly throughout Tex-Ass.
The narrator (Doug Jeffries) gives us the setup, introducing us to a hotbed of naughty behavior. A variety of segues send us in different directions, though, so pay attention.
First, Michael Brandon and his lover Matt Sizemore, discuss the difficulties of being distracted. It seems they are in their fifth home of the year, due to becoming too cozy with the neighbors and having to move away soon thereafter.
We cut to guest performer Kaya Moore trying to get some lovin' from her otherwise-occupied husband, Tanner Hayes. Portraying an uptight, homophobic sort, Hayes prefers spying on his new neighbors (Brandon and Sizemore) over sex with his horny wife. Go figure. He sends the wife away so he can observe the neighbors in action.
Before we can see how this happy couple looks together, Sizemore runs off to do some errands. Brandon explains that he's awaiting a pizza delivery - and you know what that means. We cut almost immediately to Brandon's tongue buried up the pizza boy's (Jay Ross) ass, while the frenetic music fuels the mood. Brandon opens Ross' ass up wide, revealing a cute little butthole. Brandon explores this with his tongue, ensuring that it is yummy enough to eat. It appears that it is. Mmm - pizza delivery boy-butt. Next, Brandon is fingering this hole fully,preparing it for the pounding it will soon receive. Brandon's big, man-sized dick dangles in the foreground as a form of foreshadowing (as he works a third finger into Ross' wanting hole). Taking periodic breaks to resume the rimming action, Brandon savors the soon-to-be-fucked ass fully. Brandon then demands action on his own meat puppet, which is met by no resistance at all on the part of Ross. Gobbling Brandon's manhood cheerfully, Ross gets his head fucked like the melon that it is. I have no idea what that means, so just go with it. Ross tongues Brandon's flapping ball sac. Brandon slaps his own cock like a large piece of misbehaving lumber, then force-feeds it into Ross' head. And where should Brandon's cock end up next? Right up Ross' ass, of course. Brandon rogers Ross' ass like a fuel-injected log splitter. Both partners are riding the pleasure wave hard as Brandon gives Ross the service that he so badly needs. They finish by simultaneously splooging on Ross' tummy.
Next, we cut back to our voyeuristic Hayes as he watches Sizemore entertain the pool boy (Alex Burbon). Sizemore enjoys some spirited deep-throat action as Burbon gobbles hungrily. Sizemore returns the favor by thoroughly tonguing Burbon's incredibly beefy ass. This pleases both parties equally. Now Sizemore slips his rod into the pillowy cheeks of Burbon's ass, rhythmically slamming it silly. The camera wanders around perfectly during these moments, showing us eye candy from every vantage point. Burbon gives off smoky, hot looks as his rump is commandeered from behind. Sizemore pulls out in time to blow his wad along Burbon's glistening arched back, then smears the load with the length of his spent shaft. Moments later, Burbon blows his load wildly. Beats cleaning pools, eh?
Now the neighbor wife, Kaya, shows up to present a "homemade" pie (obviously store bought) as a welcome-to-the-neighborhood gift to Brandon/ Sizemore. She is no sooner out the door than the two are fucking the pie with their over-sized Kong dongs. The pie seems rather indifferent to this whole sordid business. Brandon eats Sizemore's pie-covered cock, then continues pummeling the pie with his own schlong.
Hayes, who apparently witnessed this whole event from next door, declares war on the neighboring whorehouse. From here, things begin to a bit weird (making the pie fuck seem relatively normal), as Hayes ventures into a dream sequence with Burbon and Brandon James. Hayes lies on the bed eating a lollipop while his two buddies rub sex toys on him. James caresses his face with a dildo, which soon ends up in Hayes' mouth. The threesome then trade sucks all around before harpooning Hayes' ass with a dildo. Meanwhile, Hayes has gone from a fag-fearing homophobe to a cock-smoking wild boy. Go figure. He sucks on a dildo as the Ben-wah balls are pulled from his gaping ass. My word.
The grand finale puts Brandon and Sizemore with the landlord, Kurt Wagner. Actually, it puts Brandon between the two, fucking on Wagner and bottoming for Sizemore. Talk about a manwich. The scenes sizzle as the three grind in unison. Wagner takes it from every angle, then gets splooged upon by his doting tenants. Then, acting on behalf of the complaining neighbors, Wagner evicts Brandon and Sizemore from their new apartment, effectively closing down this little whorehouse. At least until the sequel.
- Burny Edmonds with guest reviewer G-String Jenn
"The Best Little Warehouse in L.A." (1982), a classic from director William Higgins, and for those of us who remember, that warehouse was indeed the best.
The star, and a gay superstar of the day, is Michael Christopher. For those unfamiliar with the big hunk, Michael set many hearts aflutter back in the day not only for his chiseled physique, cleft chinand bedroom eyes, but also for his dick, a long, fat monster that made other body parts flutter. Michael works in a warehouse where sex is the focus, of course. In the opener, Michael, clad in tight jeans, work boots and a tank top, ravages blond bottom Ed Michaels, feeding him his dick and then fucking him missionary. Michael's naturally hairy butt looks great as it is shot from behind, forcing his huge cock into Ed's asshole. Ed jerks himself off, and then he brings Michael to a huge, wet orgasm using both his hands around Michael's big dick.
In the next scene, Michael's co-star is Italian COLT model Giorgio Canali. Michael shows off his versatility by playing bottom to Giorgio's top, sucking Giorgio's uncut cock to a full rampant erection, and then taking Giorgio up his ass two ways, doggy and missionary. Michael's cock looks amazing as he gets fucked from behind, rock-hard and bouncing. In the finale, Giorgio straddles Michael's hips, grabs both their dicks and jerks them off together, releasing almost simultaneous loads.
In the next scene, Cliff Austin and Terry Craig are working on a car engine, but they take a break to suck and fuck on a tarpaulin next to the car. Both dudes have natural, hot bodies, and their fucking is heated, ending with a huge facial cum-shot in slow-motion.
Frank Johns and Dusty Sands are up next, and Dusty is the only guy in the cast who has a dick to rival Michael's. Long and thick, with a bulbous mushroom head, Frank tries to swallow it all, but it's too much of a challenge for him. He does better when Dusty puts it in his ass, taking it all as Dusty slam-fucks him. Both dudes shoot big in the finale.
Michael returns for the next scene, catching trespassers Mike Dean and Rick Kennedy in the act. He demands punishment, which starts with both dudes getting a bare-ass spanking and leads to blowjobs all around. Michael then orders Mike and Rick to fuck, and he watches as he jerks his huge cock, then joins in, pumping out his first load of the scene, a gusher. The highlight, though, is a three-way sandwich-fuck with Michael in the middle. Mike pulls out of Michael's ass and blows his load, followed by Michael, whose cum jets out in huge spurts.
In the last scene, Mike returns to have sex with blond boy-toy Morgan. They suck each other and do a flip-flop fuck, and Mike looks almost as in ecstasy as Morgan when he slides inside Morgan's ass. Morgan jerks his dick to a splattering cum-shot, and Mike loses it all over Morgan's tanned, sleek torso.
The production ends with three solos, one each from Michael, Mike and Lance Whitman, who also has a very impressive cock.
DVD features: Chapters; gallery; bonus scene (Steve Rambo, Michael Cody and Cole Youngblood from "Cat Men Do!," directed by Josh Eliot); trailers ("My Overstuffed Jeans"); and playable worldwide (no regional coding).
A DVD Review by Martin Cox