Wait a minute! In the Noel chestnut, the lords are a-leapin', aren't they? The maids do the milkin'. So I guess "Lord of Milking" isn't about Christmas, is it? No, of course not. In fact, it's a sinister bawdy tale, so lock away the kiddies and the eggnog, grab the lube and let's get started. As the box cover frighteningly states: "There will be no escape."
As narrated by Jon Janes, we learn of the "strange journey" of Romeo Chambourd and Aiden Bonini, looking for a countryside holiday. The two lovers blithely journey on in their old car, even picking up hitchhiker David Handsome on this deserted road. This new mystery man starts beating off in the car before the old car craps out.
However, something else is going on somewhere nearby, as intercut with the above. Sitting in a chair, very imperiously covered in chains and drinking wine from the bottle is macho daddy Luc Lemaitre, cock hard and teasing his companion, Darkskin. The latter has a dog collar and other odds and ends to show he's the master's, and when he goes to suck the thick uncut cock on Luc, that's a definite. He snorts his way through a pleasing blowjob. He is allowed to stand up so Luc can suck him, which he does with a determined gobble. Darkskin does a handstand, legs and butt up in the air so that Luc can rim him. It's a hot position and Luc wets the ass with his tongue before jamming in some fingers. Darkskin is the recipient of a slashing fuck from Luc, and the lack of soundtrack means all of the slapping noises of the fuck can be heard wonderfully. The short fuck ends with Luc standing over Darkskin to cum on him. He then licks up the giant mess he's made on Darkskin's torso.
A knock at the door brings the two stories together. The trio of guys has arrived at Luc's manse, shocked by Luc and Darkskin answering the door. Before "supper at 9:34 p.m.," the guys are allowed to rest. The relaxing lovers, Romeo and Aiden, take it as a chance to start their trip. Romeo, an eye-popping handsome brunet with dark hair and beautiful features, even looks good in glasses! His squeeze Aiden is the less conventional looker, sporting hair on the sides of his face and a big earring in one ear. Too gorgeous for words, Romeo first sucks Aiden (with Luc watching through a hole in the door hidden by a cross, mind you). With sweet music covering their sensual workings, Romeo gets Aiden fully hard with his mouth in time for a 69. Once that starts, Romeo moves to Aiden's hole so he can munch his slightly hairy ass with a peppery tongue. Aiden has Romeo's big cock happily taken care of with his eager mouth. Aiden sits on Romeo to get fucked, and though the dick pretty much stays just a few inches in, Romeo makes a good show of fast upwards thrusting. Romeo is super sexy when he crouches over Aiden and fucks him doggy, eventually flattening him on the bed with continued excellence of the ass smacking kind. As Aiden goes back to riding Romeo, he cums and then Romeo gets to pump to a finish.
As the above scene is going on, David, very good looking with his rugged body and shadowed face, thrashes in his sleep until a ghost appears in the form of Feti Chist (I don't need to explain that one, do I?), a small-featured brunet wearing a tattered shirt and nothing else. He licks around David's slumbering body, from heat to toe, lavishing particular attention on David's feet. The great thing about being a ghost is you never have to switch positions. Feti just keeps re-appearing wherever he wants on David's body. Feti doesn't so much other than the licking and a very brief sucking before standing over David and cumming (like Luc's cum-shot, it's totally fake cum, but remember the title). David has slept through the entire thing.
When 9:34 arrives, the three guys are seated and ready for dinner. Luc and Darkskin, still in costume, bring in a saucer of cream and everyone helps themselves to some creamy fondue, taking Darkskin's lead and lapping it up out of the saucer. Clothes start to come off and everyone gropes and kisses. The guys coat each other's mouths, chests, cocks and asses in cream and though there is a bit of blowing here and there, the heat comes from the five-man chemistry and it's exquisite. If they didn't continue with a hardcore scene, it would actually be enough! However, they do continue with one, at least for a bit. Aiden and Luc fall into a 69 as Romeo and David stand in front of Darkskin to get blown until Darkskin has to share Aiden's cock with Luc and Romeo moves to sucking David. It all switches around wonderfully so that everyone gets to blow and be blown, always maintaining the original heat. At cum time, Darkskin once again finds himself on the floor with everyone furiously beating off above him.
However, only Luc gets to deliver one of those faux-shots onto him before magically disappearing. Aiden, Romeo and David suddenly awake from the cream-induced trance having no idea why they are nude and why they don't actually feel hungry anymore. Romeo is woken up by strange noises and follows them to a room where blond tattooed Mike Power and brown-haired masculine Korben David are in tattered shirts and chained to a wall. They pee all over the floor, struggling to get out of their chains at the same time. Mike is only able to reach Korben by kicking at him with his big boots, landing his blows on Korben's cock and balls, and not so nicely! Romeo hears Luc approaching and hides. Luc goes into the chamber and returns with a saucer full of cream, licking up from the floor most of which he spills before Darkskin crawls over to lap up the rest.
As for sleeping Aiden, he's the next recipient of Feti's talents. The narrator reveals his secret to us, eerily, but Feti's cocksucking actions speak volumes. This time, he gets to deliver a luxurious blowjob, and though Aiden is asleep, his cock is rock-solid in Feti's mouth. Even more staggering is that Feti is able to get a condom on Aiden and ride him without Aiden waking up! Feti has a generous ass that can take most of Aiden, rocking the bed with his feisty bouncing. Backwards and forwards Feti rides, obscuring Aiden's face to keep up the illusion that Aiden is in dreamland the entire time. Feti blows Aiden again and them jacks him hard to get him to cum an actual shot on Feti's face. Feti also lets go from his big cock and disappears.
Romeo has figured out that there is a "mind-altering" substance in the cream and even better, discovers a key that Luc accidentally dropped. We are then told that Mike and Korben are former American porn stars, and how they got there is part of the secret I won't reveal. Romeo unshackles them, but instead of running away, the two dash to each other and start a sweaty full-contact scene of total lusty abandon, proof that the whole time they have been chained and staring at each other, they have had nothing but sex on the brain. Korben blows Mike all the way to the nuts, intent on sucking as much as humanly possible. Mike then hits the grimy floor and blows nipple-pierced Korben, who possesses far too massive a cock to take all the way. Korben is tossed against the wall so Mike can eat his ass and then nastily finger it. Mike very slowly inserts his cock into Korben's ass, but the niceties last mere seconds. He grabs onto Korben's hair and gives him a lively pent-up fuck. All over the room they fuck, with Korben taking the happily abusive pound from Mike. There is no position too bizarre for Mike to use in digging as far deep into Korben as possible. Towering Mike beams a cum-shot on Korben's chest and licks it up. By the vagaries of the plot, they suddenly turn into ghosts.
Romeo finds another room, this one containing bald pale Chris Barton and pierced black Sean Longlay. Sean sucks Chris with a hearty mouth, and the thick veined cock is very hard in accepting it. Chris is a greedy sucker on Sean's dick, equal parts heavy licker and wanton throater. Reedy Sean is turned around so Sean can spit into his ass and mush it up with his tongue and fingers. He then fucks Sean, pushing his big pecker deep into Sean's ass. If this scene lacks the dynamic heat of the others, it's not because the guys lack in technical skills. Chris really plugs Sean deep. Sean rides Romeo as they kiss, bouncing and taking so much of the hefty piece. When ready, Chris spews a messy load onto Sean, which he naturally licks up. Sean cums as well and as Chris licks up his creamy mess, the two disappear into ghosthood.
Since Romeo knows all the secrets of his bizarre manse, he and his friends go running out into the night to their abandoned car. However, Luc captures themand chains them up in the same tattered clothing of the other prisoners. Chained up, they are on-by-one milked by Luc and made to cum into the infamous saucer.
"Lord of Milking" has a definite lulu of a plot, but thankfully that's left most to the narrator to worry about. The men only have to deal with the sex and they do an excellent job with their task. It's hard to look at anyone else when Romeo is in the room, but once any of them start to have sex, looks are secondary.
DVD features: Chapters; cum-shots chapter; gallery; trailers ("Glory Holes of Las Vegas," "Brazilian Holiday 2," "French Farmers" and "Masque"); and no regional coding (playable worldwide).
A DVD Review by Brent Blue