Wouldn't it be just too easy to make all sorts of teaching and learning puns regarding Bud Light's amazing "Porn Academy," a video that takes us inside the industry to show us porn school? Not only does it seem too easy, but it seems too cheap. The director has done such a stupendous job of infusing every minute of this video with a unique self-swipe tone that making goofy puns seems inappropriate. I think I'll let the writing speak for itself. In the meantime, this video, which manages to spoof not only the porn industry as a whole but also MTV's "The Real World," the military and also the architectural taste of kitsch, is a sublime example of how successful plotted porn can be when it is both sexy and interesting. Not for a second does anything upstage the sex, but a bunch of things come very close.
Over the credits, an unseen drill sergeant, Chad Donovan, rattles off the marching song that sets the whole tone. "Give it to me, horny critter," he bellows before counting off: "One, two, jack off, three, four, jack off ... "
We are then introduced to the five newbies entering school here to learn to be porn stars. There is Court "the innocent one" Logan, his head shaved to give him a deliberately non-twinky look, Tino "the good one" Lopez, a stunning slab of hunky beef with big chewable ears and a body that never quits, Jason "the straight one" McCain, a straight, tattooed porn star looking to get into the gay side of things, Danny "the quiet one" Lopez, a Latino looker with a gorgeous smile, and Andy "the bad one" Hunter, a cocky big-dicked fellow.
Porn legend Ron Jeremy starts off as the Headmaster of the school, in a royal blue cap and down, giving the entrance speech. He explains the work, but he also has a motive for it all. What are the three letters to which all porn stars should aspire? "V-H-S." I can't say I understand the reason for the video's constant tirade against the Internet and DVDs, but it's funny as hell, and consistent, too. In their little "confessional" interviews, Jason notes that he's impressed by Ron because "he gives hope to all those fat balding men across the country who want to fuck 18-year-old chicks."
The teachers at this school are old-hat performers like Blake Harper, Chad Knight, Chi Chi LaRue and Will Clark, officiously looking like he walked in from the set of "Men in Black II." He has a funny bit about naming the kids, the cutest part being when he names Court. In the classroom, first up is the undisputed Princess of Porn, Chi Chi LaRue, and who better, in cap and gown and carrying them off fetchingly, to teach the blowjob class? This cameo will have you literally rolling with laughter as Chi Chi yelps at the boys: "I wanna see action ... I wanna see imagination ... I wanna see you sucking cock like a drag queen ... like your wig is falling off!" And then demonstrating what NOT to do on a dildo. Each boy is given a dildo to practice on -- "that cock should be your id, that cock should be your universe" -- but a real dick is needed. Andy volunteers to be the tester cock and the boys line up to blow his longer-than-a-dream gargantuan piece. Court is up first, and he aces this class most easily. He can get his whole throat around the dick with no problem, has hand motions down pat, and alternates techniques with skill. Jason is next, and surprisingly good for the part he's playing (character is NEVER sacrificed in this video, which is doubly impressive). He is more focused on toying with the head, but when he's done, Chi Chi delights: "Straight? Fabulous! Well, where'd you learn to do that, honey?" Then, it's Tino's turn. Man, he's hotter than hot. He isn't as flashy as the previous turn-takers, but he's sensual. Sensuality drips from this man. Danny is last, and his tongue piercing gets everyone all excited, particularly Andy. He gulps down the cock like it was born in his throat, exciting Chi Chi so much that a rimming is demanded. It's a light tongue-flick, a frisky tossed-in piece of excellent work. Andy, who had bragged to the camera that he didn't need to save up his cum because he can always deliver, does just that all over Danny's face and chest. LaRue gives everyone an A+ -- "even you, straight boy."
Now that the boys have learned their oral skills, they are off to Topping Class with the youthful Chad Knight, who says he's been doing this for over a decade, but who looks younger and buffer now than in his first years. There are three things a good top needs, he enlightens us: "Wood, heart and respect." Before anyone can guess that third one, Andy had suggested Viagra, but Chad is adamant, in just one piece of a dead-on acting performance, that a good top doesn't need it. Chad wants to set up a practice gang bang, and Court volunteers to bottom. With erudite Chad quoting Cole Porter, Andy takes his place in Court's butt. His bad-boy attitude comes in handy, and even Chad is impressed with his boundless talent. Perfect for his character, it's an angry chest-led fuck, but Chad discovers Viagra in Andy's pants. He remains silent, and lets Tino take over. So massive, so smooth, so absolutely beautiful, Tino takes us back to his now-patented soothing style, plowing into Court with a calming placid workload. Now, since it's damn obvious that the boys know their topping, Chad jumps into the mix, just for fun. He's a combination of what we've seen before, both potent and powerful, but with the gentleness only a true bottom could provide. The vet puts the kids to shame in just seconds (and they were darn good), and whatever years he's built up show in sheer talent. Shot from every conceivable angle by the never-stopping cameras of Bud Light and A. Damron, Chad earns his teaching salary. Court cums being fucked, then Chad gets a chance to drop a load, followed by uncut Tino. Chad naturally flunks Andy for using Viagra, but in the sweetest moment of the whole video, Court tells the camera he was just dazzled to have Chad fucking him, since his all-time favorite porn video stars Chad.
Now, we'll get to Danny later, but it should be noted that Jason didn't show up for topping class. Tino isn't at all happy about that. They have an argument in their bunk, but Jason trots off to prove that straight porn stars have knowledge of their own. In a gloriously self-serving solo, Jason shows us exactly what that is. He parks himself in front of the mirror and starts touching himself like he's just discovered he's made of diamonds. He even rhapsodizes over his hair. Angular and sharp-featured, his is very adorable, but it's his intensity and devotion to self here that makes this scene cook. The mirror is a great touch, since he gets to make out with himself and coax himself into working hard. "Cum for me, cum for me" he coos at himself before slapping one onto the mirror. In the midst of all the flash around it, this simple solo scene, which doesn't last all that long, is a perfect example of character development. "Jason's an asshole," growls an unimpressed Tino and Will Clark berates him for skipping class. Still indignant, Jason admits he did wrong and promises not to skip any more classes.
I don't know that anyone in Pornowood would be a better teacher for Bottoming Class than the ever-virile, infinitely sexy Blake Harper. He starts off his lesson by having the guys stick their fingers in their asses, smelling them, and telling them to remember the good way it smells. Chad had his keywords for topping, and Blake has three of his own: "Submissive, power and wooden." (Though the last is discouraged on the part of a bottom, because it's boring to watch.) In a clever piece of cross-marketing, Blake shows a scene from "Seven Deadly Sins: Gluttony" to show good bottoming (he might have shown his own scene from Bud Light's "Devil Is a Bottom") Blake points out the "submissive sounds" and the believability of it all, like he's teaching a film course. It's a hoot. Mr. Harper than produces a dildo he will use for the class, and gets into "the first of the three sacred positions, known as doggy." He has Jason lube him up and what follows are perhaps the most comprehensive few moments of the video. As Blake works his way down the dildo, he manages to actually verbally teach a lesson in doing it as well. (I would suggest taking notes.) Neither his mouth nor his ass misses a beat. He lets Jason fuck him faster and harder, and Jason ends up giving him quite a workout. They achieve a rhythm so interesting that Blake has to stop the scene or cum. So, they move onto the second position, missionary, with Jason getting even better at it and Blake's willing ass opening up as magically as always. Blake continues to yell out technique, though it's clear by this point he's also getting something sexual out of this, as his speech becomes more tentative. The third position is "cowgirl" and the shot of legendary Blake Harper's perfect ass descending from the top of the camera's lens onto the dildo is worth whatever you'll pay to see this video. The guys watching it are rapt, and Danny even wipes sweat off his own brow! "It's a bit of a tricky position in terms of comfort, but great for camera angles," Blake notes, in one of the slyest pieces of self-mockery, the camera doing just that. "Man, that was top-notch VHS quality!" Blake says after cumming, the dildo still being rammed up his ass at top speed and full insertion.
Later in the day, Andy goes to see Chad in his official-looking office (well, it has a phone). Andy argues that Viagra is a "staple of the modern sex industry." He then goes on a tirade about VHS, on why people want DVD and the Internet, so Chad gets all in his business, which ends up with both of them producing boners, huge ones. Andy hunkers down to blow the peerless Chad, who is every bit the complete porn star as he takes it with as much aplomb as Andy delivers it. The suck is more emotional, rather than deep, but that's probably because it's a giant cock. Andy gets a little playful as things go on, throwing in some good tongue work and then Andy smiles when he wins a staring contest that ends with Chad on his knees teaching yet another lesson. Chad gives us eye contact and teasing that the newbies had so far missed. This well-matched pair also benefits from excellent camerawork, which is more impressive during the fuck. It's Andy who gets to top Chad, drilling him under a yellow light fixture that makes Chad's skin positively glow. Chad's ass is a sensation, and Andy treats it as it should be, mainly taking advantage of its depth and experience. Chad whips through all of Blake's positions, adding something with each of them as Andy keeps up impressively. The highlight is actually Chad riding Andy as the latter stops Chad from moving and thrusts up into him very knowingly. In the end, Andy has another mouthwatering shot that comes with such force Chad has to move his head out of the way, lest he lose an eye. He then matches with one of his own. Chad agrees to pass him, but Andy announces that "this place can't teach me any more ... I've had enough of this pseudo-military crap." With that, the director not only riskily gets rid of one of his stars, but he wittily slams an entire sub-genre of porn at the same time. In just one line!
Danny tells the camera that he's attracted to Tino, which is a fantastic choice for a crush. They are in their bunks one night, which is a superb set courtesy of Bob Bouchard that is lit so beautifully it nearly steals the scene away from the sex, and Tino suggests they practice for the next day's final exam. "We don't have to go all the way," Tino notes when Danny shows his nervousness. Danny moves up to the top bunk and they kiss. This loving touch is the only one we'll see and the passion ignited is wonderful. Danny licks his way down Tino's flawless body and finally produces the cock to suck. With a few gulps, we see he's in no danger of failing the final. His succulent lips leading the way, he takes care of Tino very well, his wet spit dancing in the darkly lit set. Tino bends over to return the suck, and Danny adores the choppy suck he gets. Over simple strumming music, Danny goes back to sucking and Tino bends down for a 69, which isn't something they had learned. That means their instincts are damn good. The music turns into a house music flamenco, perfectly in the mood of increasing intensity and Tino gets to do the fucking. They are filmed in the dark against a white rice-paper screen background, which is a great effect, and the music reaches a jazzy fever-pitch as their positions show all the lessons they learned from Chad and Blake. Tino has a sparkling friskiness to him here that becomes a slamming all-out fuck, quite different from what he's shown before. He's a whiz of a fucker, but the secret of the scene is Danny. He is easily the most talented bottom of the Class of 2002, and he keeps up with Tino, brandishing a wicked overly-pleased smile the whole time. If you're looking to see what a director's eye can do, watch the position of Tino during the non-cowgirl fucking. His butt protrudes out just enough to catch whatever light it can, so you see the dimples in his ass doing all the work. It's simply gorgeous.
Jason is nervous for the final exam, which is a big orgy for the new guys. Will Clark puts the entire industry in perspective when he says to the gleeful almost-grads that: "Anyone who thinks that porn is easy or porn is fake should walk in my shoes. When you've been on a set for seven hours with a ten-inch dick up your ass, a hot C-light between your legs and a dozen strangers hovering around, then you'll know what pornography really is. Go get 'em, boys! Cue the music!" Okay, it's not exactly Patton bullying his men into active duty, but it is a nice summation, no? The remaining boys go at it, kissing and stripping each other before settling into a lovely tableau that finds Tino standing on a box with Jason blowing him, being blown by Danny being sucked by Court. Danny does the best work on Jason's massive curving cock, absolutely loving it with all he's worth. Court and Danny, the obvious bottoms of the piece, taking on most of the sucking duties, with pretty boy Tino and engaging Jason taking it all in. Court and Danny then fight to impress Jason with their mouths and it's off to fucking. Much of the scene focuses on Tino fucking Danny, which is a strange choice considering they had just done that in the previous scene. However, Court's easily accessed ass gives Jason a whiz-bang chance to fuck the hell out of him, which is perfectly in line with his character. Danny gets plowed by Jason as well, making sure to suck cock at the same time. There are a lot of mutations for the four of the guys, and they sell it at every turn. This is a scene full of expectations. After all, we've watched these guys learn and participate in small snippets throughout the movie, and we knew that somehow they'd end up in a group together and they don't disappoint. All four are worthy and exceedingly talented. In the end, after Court has admitted liking Jason after all, Jason, not quite looking at the camera, admits he is bisexual. Danny is just happy to have had the experience of going to the Porn Academy, and we are happy to have had him.
Ron delivers the valedictory speech, speaking loftily of VHS and Kleenex and jacking off. "You'll be encouraging buckets of sperm," he tells them, "so go forth and turn on America!" Of course, the joke by this point is that they have already done that. The stars have already been made. It's just one last punch in a film packed solid with them. Ace editor Andrew Rosen has a magnificent hand in keeping the scenes just the right length, and I must again mention the music by Bowling Green as capturing mood very well. The gaudy set, which looks like the Porn Academy was designed by a bored Andy Warhol, is yet another touch of humor to this video. All of these technical aspects, throwing in well-acted and well-clipped non-sexual performances, are just one side of the video, however. They all make it pretty. They make it fun. They make it charming. However, the sex makes it over-the-top fabulous. The guys picked as the newbies are stunners all, and just in case they don't succeed for you, the casting people made the coup of using vets to turn you on. I just saw them as tasty icing on an already-perfect cake. Now, if we can get all of today's new young talent to take these courses, boy, can you imagine what porn would be like?
A Video Review by Brent Blue
Writer/director Bud Light (aka Wash West) shows a definite light touch with this story of a school for would-be porn stars. His tongue is definite in cheek, while his cast member's tongues are put to other uses. The first vignette, "Blow Job 101," features a phalanx of felaters going down on Andy Hunter's tasty torpedo.
Next up, Chad Knight instructs the group of eager students on how to be a good top. Court Logan gets plowed by a parade of peckers each one trying to slam the point home that they are the best of the bunch.
Jason McCain, the so-called straight boy of the class, puts on a sizzling self-love solo show while an appreciative Tino Lopez watches with rapt attention. McCain's throbbing erection and big balls will have your dick at attention, as well.
The natural follow-up scene is the bottom class, led by the ever-fucktastic Blake Harper. Harper and his handy-dandy dildo turn this class demonstration into definite candidate for repeat viewing.
Chad Knight plays bottom to Andy Hunter's top man ministrations in the next vignette. They're a hard-working pair, though not especially compelling. Lovers of long-distance shooter will want to note how far Hunter's cumload flies. Knight's no slouch in the jizz missile category and puts on his own distance display.
Back in the dorm, we're treated to a romantic scene between Tino and Danny Lopez. Tino's gorgeous, uncut dong and beefy Danny's pierced tongue combine for some sweet and steamy sex. The stars do it all and go from playful and romantic to hard-driving passion.
The academy's final exam brings together Logan, Danny and Tino Lopez and McCain for an orgy. The sex is hot but a bit of a let down from the previous pairing.
Having topnotch pros like Harper involved in the proceedings adds excitement for their fans but also makes most of the lesser talents pale in comparison. Perhaps a different, more charismatic crop of students would solve that problem.
The pupils all graduate from Porn Academy but I'd rate them no higher than a C. It's a passing grade but not the kind of honors distinction that I'd hoped for from this All Worlds release.
- Rod Pierce