Imagine Chi Chi LaRue as Mother Goose are you laughing your ass off yet?
Goosed! is a hysterical rendition of some of our favorite childhood fables, with a modern twist and lots of bisexual action. This story begins with Mickey Skee playing a reporter who is interviewing Mother Goose. While she hits the bottle, he asks her some probing questions, but what he really wants to know is the truth to all the fairy tales. And Mother Goose spills all.
So, once upon a time there was a newlywed couple named Jane and Peter, as in Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater. They lived in a ratty ol' apartment in New Jersey. Jane, played by Candy Apples, is a young, horny girl who has just married a not-so-horny boy. Their difference in sex drives causes a lot of problems. It also causes Jane to stray a lot, but I'll get to that later.
After their latest fight, Jane notices some noises coming through the wall, and as any normal human being would, she listens in. On the other side of the wall is Jack Sprat (the adorable Tommy Cruise) and Little Boy Blue (Ethan Starr) eating out the beautiful T.J. Hart. The boys don't spend all of their time on her. Oh, no, they also suck each other off too. This threesome works well together. It seems like no one is being left out of anything. This scene does run a little long, but it's worth it just to watch the daisy chain at the end. Poor Jane, she could only hear the action and is frustrated.
Later, Jane is coming home form the market, and she just happens to run into Jack, as in Jack B. Nimble, Jack be quick, and damn is he cute. Jack (played by Bruce Hill) looks like a Ken doll with a tan, muscles and tattoos. Or as my boyfriend said, he looks like he belongs on a Coopertone billboard. It's too bad Jane (Candy Apple) looks like a white trash whore with graffiti on her chest. I know it's harsh, but it had to be said. Well, Jack is a gentleman, so he carries in her groceries. To thank him, Jane drops to her knees and delivers a messy blow job dripping with saliva. She then slips her fingers in her pussy and works herself into a sexual frenzy. With all the noise she was making, I kept expecting her to puke pea soup while her head spun around, but it didn't. Instead, Jack slips her the hot beef, and they do it doggie style right there in the kitchen.
Next we find Jane and Little Bo Peep, who is a sassy little vixen in latex, discussing Jane's infidelities and Jack's recent death. Apparently he missed and landed on the candle stick. Oops. The best part of this small scene is the men dressed in white playing the sheep. There they are, just walking around in circles doing all that "bah, bah, bah" shit. It's adorable.
On to Jane's next adventure. This is my favorite scene. This is when Jane gets it on with the "rub-a-dub, dub" three men in a hot tub. Everyone is fucking and sucking each other, and I was left dizzy. I only recognized two of the men. One is Dave Nelson and the other is that cute young thing Zach Richards. Dave is good looking, but Zach is a cutie, and it was great watching him get fucked by Dave while he fucked Jane who was busy sucking the other guy's balls. Sounds confusing because it was, but it is eye candy at its finest.
After the orgy, Jane runs back to Little Bo Peep to tell her about her latest sexscapades, and, yes, the sheep are there. Jane goes on and on about who she fucked and how poor little Peter has no clue. What Jane doesn't know is that she's close to being caught.
Meanwhile, Peter is hanging out in his living room, talking on the phone while two sexy girls are kissing each other on the floor. What I don't get is why he doesn't get off the phone. However, that doesn't seem to bother the girls, who are eating each other out in front of him. They roll around, finger each other's pussies, then begin to dress. Damn, Peter is such a loser. While the girls put their cloths on, they happen to notice a condom wrapper under the sofa. Oh-oh. Peter goes ballistic and asks them to leave. Like I said, he's a loser, but now he's a loser with a plan.
Next we find Jack and Jill (pail included) naked with Jane in her apartment. Jane and Jill take turns licking and sucking each other while Jack takes turns fucking both of them. This would have to be my second favorite scene because of all the heat between the girls and the fact that Jack doesn't stop till he cums. Once they're all done ,they make plans to do it again; but they are interrupted by Peter, who is home early. I don't know what gets into him, but he starts talking like he's Tony Soprano or John Gotti, something like that, which is strange because he doesn't even look Italian. Peter has good news. He landed a huge pumpkin eating job and will be working from home. This, of course, causes a problem for Jane. That whore. While he's hard at work outside, Jane calls Little Bo Peep to complain about Peter and the fact that she hasn't gotten laid. Then all of a sudden, Peter barges in with more great news. He's finished his project and wants to celebrate. While Jane fakes her excitement, Peter drugs her drink.
The big question is, how does it all end. Well, according to Mother Goose, Peter put Jane in the hollowed out pumpkin and moved away. I guess he wasn't that stupid after all.
- Ricki Martinez