Gorgeous men in tights with super powers! That description fits either the latest Broadway extravaganza or a movie about super crime-fighting heroes. But, thanks to Can-Am and director Matthew Moore, it now describes the porn flick "Hard Heroes," a film I would sincerely hope spawns more sequels than either the Superman or Spider-Man franchises. Frankly, these guys are cuter and look better in spandex.
"Hard Heroes" is good rascally fun. With tongue thrust as far in cheek as possible, just a hair from all the guys in the film laughing at any given moment, the flick is a lush, quickly-paced introduction to a lot of so-called fetishes many of you already love. That's right, this is not only a film about guys with masquerading issues, it's a white bread kink film disguised as a standard fuck flick. That turns out to be one of many welcome surprises. I was expecting the usual: villain with minions of servants to please him, heroes with orgy issues and innocent bystanders saved by sexual activity.
Instead, you get what follows. We are "deep in the hills above Metropolis" at the beginning. Emmett Andrews and Jack Simmons are making out in bed. Steve Shannon and Max Grand are sunbathing. Brad Taylor and Cody Cruze are watching wrestling videos and pornographic images on the computer. This seemingly lazy afternoon gets its heat turned up as both Brad and Cody jack off while Emmett and Jack suck and rim. The latter two are wonderful to watch, particularly Emmett's rather stunned look as he realizes he is going to have to find a way to maneuver Jack's dreamy massive cock. Everyone has nice thick balls and everyone is happy. As Cody and Brad cum, and as Jack is about to give Emmett's waiting ass a pounding ... alarms go off! "When evil knocks, the Stud Squad answers," we are then told. That's when we realize that our boys are not slothful West Hollywood hunks with too much time (and lube) on their hands. They are superheroes. If you are into an appreciation of stunning male physique, the next scene is for you. One by one, we watch the guys shimmy into their costumes, tight tight outfits that require tons of adjusting and leave little to even those of you with the healthiest of imaginations.
We also learn each hero's function in the gang. Steve Shannon is the group leader, Omega. Grand (Edge), Andrews (Speed Demon) and Simmons (Razor) each have their super powers as well. Taylor and Cruze are this flick's version of the Wonder Twins, rookies desperate to help their idols. On the whole, these guys look amazing in the costumes, colorful winks at both typical "gay costumes" (Simmons in leather hot pants and a harness) and knocks at your favorite comic book heroes (you tell me what the logo on Shannon's chest is). Oh, and no one wears underwear, so you can see they will also turn out to be different kinds of heroes. See how much you've missed all these years watching Superman swirl around in a phone booth and Batman descend into the Bat Cave? You've missed the putting on of the costume, which, in the hands of director Moore, has a high erotic kick.
The team is hired by Bruno Payne, a pharmaceutical wizard with a Nobel Prize and a cloning device, because the evil Die Hard (another whimsical pun) intends to steal his technology. They agree to help and go to the "secret lair," which curiously has an address right on Main Street. By the way, Die Hard is obviously evil because he has nipple rings and a leather mask. Hmmm, I've known real sweeties in that same outfit who actually -- oh, sorry, I digress.
Waiting for Bruno at his lair, the team hears a disturbance. Omega goes to check it out and Die Hard grabs him, tying him up with Omeganite rope, rendering him powerless! Speed Demon and Edge go after him. The former finds a bound scientist and goes to help him. Die Hard enters with a Super Soaker and knocks him out with special paint that takes away his power! Yikes! Then, Die Hard gives Speed Demon a severe rub down with some bluish gunk. Die Hard beats his powerful chest and abs hard and plays with Speed Demon's cock. This is perhaps the best scene in the flick, what with all this sexy blue stuff highlighting the muscles on these two. Die Hard rips open Speed Demon's costume and gives him a deep hard fuck. I'm talking hard! It seems that once Die Hard gets these guys to cum, he can steal their powers. Though Speed Demon doesn't want to cum, eventually he can hold out no longer and Die Hard has him. Drinking a concoction that contains the cum, Die Hard now has Speed Demon's power. He then inserts a mysterious buttplug into him that makes him his slave.
Edge, who has extrasensory powers, feels that Omega is in trouble. He finds instead weary Speed Demon who beats him up and Die Hard sticks a buttplug into his ass, too. Two down, oh, no! But, Die Hard can't get Edge's special belt to work for him. So, he and his assistant do the only thing possible. They zip Edge in a latex body bag and suck all the air out, leaving him mummified. All that is exposed is Edge's dick. He can't move through the latex, so Die Hard is able to jack him off and get his cum too! The reason I said above that this flick is fetish-lite, in a sense, is apparent in scenes like this one. It's a nice introduction to this steamy peccadillo, but little enough time is devoted to it that those who are not into it will not be bored or turned off by it. Why anyone would want to cover Max Grand in anything but their saliva I have no idea, but this all works nonetheless.
Omega is the main course. With his powers, Die Hard will be invincible. So, adorable Omega is strung up tightly on a crucifix thingy. It seems that when he is tied up with Omeganite, all of his powers are concentrated in the one place that is not tied, conveniently his crotch. He does not respond to Die Hard's light jacking off, so the villain orders Speed Demon to suck him off. I wouldn't have to be under any strange powers to willingly do that to Steve Shannon, I mean Omega. This scene is all about light bondage, again nothing offensive, just cursory. It's incredibly hot, I might mention.
Meanwhile, Lightning is a superhero in need of a little relief and goes off to find a bathroom. Instead, he finds a glory hole, and you know what all superguys do when they see a glory hole. Die Hard's assistant is more clever, however. He places a penis pump (which Lightning certainly does not need) on the other end and gives Lightning a super suck with it. I was surprised to find something as septic as a penis pump very sexy in this scene.
Before Omega can cum, Razor arrives to save him, but he is beaten down and Omega shoots. After that, a big fight ensues (these guys are all very masculine, very virile, and the fighting works surprisingly well). Die Hard and Omega wrestle (another example of diversity) while Razor is tortured with nipple-twists and limb-pulling by Speed Demon and Edge. Just as it looks darkest for our heroes ... In come the rookies to crush the villain!
They quickly pull out the buttplugs (which we unfortunately don't get to see) and the whole team pins down Die Hard. Exacting his revenge, Omega jacks him off and after Die Hard cums about three quarts of goo, his power is gone. In a typical flick, this would have been the big Stud Squad orgy scene, but it's wisely eschewed here.
This flick could have seemed like tame kink and stupid cartoonery if not for a supremely able cast having an absolute blast. Jack Simmons and Max Grand are not only very capable performers, and gorgeous, but decent actors and always welcome in any flick. Mason Flynt is a burly dream as Die Hard, the kind of cuddly big guy you would want trying different fantasies on you. Cody Cruze and Brad Taylor look to be having a wonderful time as the cut-ups of the bunch, both as funny as they are sexy. And, hey, I would join any team headed by the blond god Steve Shannon (I know, you're thinking "Brent, you're playing favorites." Damn right!), wearing the sexiest yellow costume this side of Aqua Man.
Don't forget to stay tuned during the credits for a hysterical series of outtakes. They prove, if you hadn't realized by that point, how funny "Hard Heroes" really is. Complete with a cheeky score and a set that is straight out of cheesy cinematic cliffhangers, this flick is pure delight from beginning to end. You may find the sex seems underplayed at times, what is there is more suggestive than overt, but I saw it as a kind of tease that is blithely erotic in this context.
Special DVD features: Digitally remastered, slide-show gallery, Dolby stereo sound, full-motion chapter and scene index, Macrovision copy protection and previews of other Can-Am titles. All in all, a very well put together DVD package.
A DVD Review by Brent Blue